A few years ago, when we still had young kids, we hired a young Kwakum woman to come and help us with cooking and cleaning in our home. She came to us one day and said that she wouldn’t be able to work for a week because one of her family members had died. The reason she wanted a week off was that the Kwakum have funeral celebrations that last for six days. They spend all six days at the burial site, they sleep next to the tomb, and they spend all that time with their family. So, attending this event meant that she could not come into work. We offered our condolences, prayed with her, and told her she could have the week off.
Not long after, she told us that there was another funeral for another family member who died. She had the same request: another week off work. We have since come to realize that the Kwakum tend to have very big families. Most people will have between five and 10 children. Because of health conditions, medical availability, lack of nutrition, and road safety people tend to die young. Short life spans, an increasing population, and six-day funeral celebrations leads to an extremely reduced work calendar. So, as time went on, with regular funerals, we began to challenge this young woman. We reminded her that she made a commitment to work at our house. This challenge to honor her commitment to work (rather than to be present for 6 days every time someone died) was shocking to her. I don’t believe that she even considered it an option to work and miss out on parts of the funeral celebrations.
Task-Orientation vs. Event-Orientation
Her shock with our suggestion to work was equaled by our shock with her expectation of constant time off. The clash between what she was thinking and what we were thinking is something I’ve come to learn is related to our cultures’ time-orientation. Specifically, the conflict is caused by the difference between task-orientation vs. event-orientation. American culture (at least the subculture that grew up in) is very task-oriented. That means we tend to see time as a limited resource which can be spent, wasted, invested, and saved. If I do one task quickly, that frees me up to be able to do another task. And if I do one task, I am choosing to not do another task.
However, among the Kwakum, and as I understand in a lot of cultures in Africa, people don’t really consider time as an abstract concept at all. Rather, they consider life as a series of events. As I read somewhere, people here are not trying to save time, they are “living in the moment.” For the Kwakum, then, when a funeral is happening you go to the funeral and you stay there until it’s over. Your presence at that event communicates love to your family. The inverse then is also true: not being at the event communicates that you don’t love your family.
As a general rule, in conversations about time-orientation, those who are task-oriented are usually seen as being “less loving.” It is often presented as though task-orientation prioritizes tasks over people. I do believe that when we asked this young woman to honor her commitment to work at our house, it felt like we were asking her to stop loving her family.
Both Orientations Can Love and Hate
After spending 10 years here in an event-oriented culture, I’ve come to understand that neither task-orientation or event-orientation, in and of themselves, are more loving. Task-oriented people can both love and hate their neighbors. A task-oriented person can choose to use their time in such a way that loves and prioritizes people. My lovely wife is one of the most task-oriented people I have ever met. When we first married, she would keep a pad and pen by the bed so that every morning she could make a schedule as soon as she woke up. Though Africa has liberated her from the extremes of task-orientation, she still makes a schedule every day. Scattered throughout her schedule you will find time set aside to study for Bible translation, respond to emails, prepare meals for her family and others, and serve children in our neighborhood. Nearly every task on her schedule is in direct service to others. And she has found ways to make her schedules work, to love others, and those others feel loved, even the Kwakum.
Of course, task-oriented people can also use their time in such a way that they prioritize themselves. In prioritizing yourself you’re looking to use your time to make the most money you can, or to have the most pleasure that you can. Someone in America might work 80 hours a week because they want wealth, pleasure, and possessions. That’s not really prioritizing a task, it’s just prioritizing money. It is wrong not because they love tasks more than people. It is wrong because they love money more than people.
Likewise, event-oriented people can both love and hate their neighbors. An event-oriented person can show their love for people by participating in events. They can offer support at a funeral, singing about their hope in the Lord. They can sit and genuinely listen to someone and pray for them without feeling pressure to be somewhere else. I have seen Kwakum people abandon all of their plans for the day because their neighbor needs help on their house. And they do it with joy, not even remotely frustrated that they are unable to do what they had planned.
But I’ve also seen in the Kwakum culture that event-oriented people can prioritize events and neglect their children. Sometimes, when a Kwakum person has to go away to a funeral, they leave their children at home. They reason that they need to support their family, but their children still need to go to school. The children are then at home alone fending for themselves, maybe going to school, maybe not. There’s not really any accountability for them. I have seen these children begging for food because their parents left them without anything to eat.
So, I have concluded that in both of these cultures, you can love and you can hate. You can prioritize people or yourself. Ultimately neither orientation is more loving than the other.
Ultimately, Your Choices Show What You Love
Ultimately the question is not whether task-orientation or event-orientation is more loving. Rather, for both orientations the question is: what do your choices show about what you love? If you want to think of it as a task-orientation issue, the tasks you choose demonstrate your values. So if I go to all six days of a Kwakum funeral, I’m choosing to take whatever time I spend at that funeral away from the time I could be washing dishes, or helping my child with their homework, or making a meal for a sick neighbor.
If you want to look at it from an event-oriented perspective, the events you choose to attend demonstrate what you love. Attending a funeral is an event, but a day at work is also an event. Though going to work seems impersonal, it really isn’t. Because that job that you have is a job in which you are providing a service for someone. If you choose to leave your job for a time, you are choosing to not provide that service to an actual person. A choice to attend a six-day funeral is a choice not to have six evening devotional events with your children. A choice to bring your children to the funeral is a choice for them not to attend school events. Most Kwakum adults cannot read well, in part, because of such choices. Your choice shows what you love the most in that moment. And sometimes, not always, you have to choose between comforting your extended family and taking care of your children. Whichever you choose shows what you prioritize.
As far as I can see, it’s not so much whether you’re looking at it in an abstract concept of time, or if you’re looking at it as an abstract concept of event. Rather, love is demonstrated in your choices. For task-oriented people you cannot accomplish all tasks. You must decide to do some tasks at the expense of others. For the event-oriented, you cannot attend all events. A choice to go to one event requires that you do not go to another. The event you choose demonstrates what you love. The young woman that worked for us ended up coming in to work at our house early in the morning, working for a few hours, then going to the funeral celebrations in the evening. She was shocked to find that no one was angry with her! She was able to keep her commitment to us and also show love to her family. I don’t know for sure how she looks back at that time, but it was very eye-opening to me. My hope is that in any culture we can make choices that show who we love. And as a Christian I am free to love in any culture.
